the stay at home dad's bloggy blog

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Stay At Home Dad Taxes

Joshua J. Johnson

1314 Oasis Creek

San Antonio, Tx 78260

April 9, 2014

Internal Revenue Service

P.O. Box 1214

Charlotte, NC 28201-1214

To Whom It May Concern,

While doing our family taxes, which we do every year(so please don't audit us) I realized that I have not paid my fair share in taxes the last 6 years. You see, I have been a stay at home father for the last 6 years and while I have earned no monetary income, I have been paid. I have been paid in love, memories, love, smiles, hugs, kisses and still more love. It's hard for me to quantify how much I have actually earned. It is really incalculable. However, I have tried to do some math and made some estimations. Please rest assured this is not how we do our family taxes. Again, please don't audit us. :)

Real simply, I took 365(days a year) x 6(years) x 100(estimated hugs, kisses & smiles a day) x .4(40% tax rate)= X(Amount owed)

X = 87,600

I hope it will suffice. Again, it's a rough estimate and I am sure I may owe more. If I need to pay in more, please let me know.

Below you will find 5,900 hugs, kisses and smiles. I realize I owe 15x this amount.(Actually, 14.85x but I'll round up to be safe). To make sure I am paid up fully, please feel free to forward this to 15 other IRS employees, copy and paste or just print it out 15 times. I assure you, they are still genuine hugs, kisses and smiles from me.

XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO

XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XOXO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO

XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO:)XO

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Narcissist or Space Case: Parking Lot Edition

When I started this blog I told myself to make it what I want it to be. There will be dad stuff, life hacks, family stories, fun tips and things my wife told me to write. (My wife is the most beautiful woman I have ever met.) But I also just wanted to write about things that come up in daily life.

And what is more 'daily life' than going in and out of parking lots. I spend a lot of time in parking lots. I run most of the errands for the family and am constantly going in and out of them. And human nature is to start dissecting & analyzing things that you are around daily.

So I started to break it down and I have never hated these people or behaviors. They don't drive me crazy, make me want to scream or punch a puppy. Rather, these parking lot behaviors make me scratch and shake my head at the same time. The best way to get an itch, if you ask me. In short, they confound me.

Overall, these are things that I just don't get. I can't figure out if these people are:

Fact: COPS is the only tv show on the planet Melmac,
where Alf is from. Look it up. You can't not prove me wrong.

1) raging, selfish narcissists or
2) clueless space cases or
3) aliens who have tried to learn human behavior by watching COPS

I know which one I'm rooting for.

Again, I do NOT hate these behaviors or people. Hate is pretty strong. But more things that utterly confuse and confound me. You decide: narcissist or space case.

This person.

Of course this person.

And this person. And this is getting way worse in recent years.

People who cut across parking lots with lots of other vehicles around.
Possibly cutting other people off or just taking a short cut.

Lunch litter left behind.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Just ew.

Not this guy though. Truck nuts are like leather bound books. A sign of class.

The bumper sticker that teaches my kids about the birds & the bees. Thoughtful.

The aggressive bumper sticker that lets us all know that if you're not
paying attention at a green light, and we honk to remind you,
we are gonna get at least 2 clips full of bullets coming our way.

Head down texter, who never looks up while crossing in front
of your 4,500 lb vehicle/killing machine. That's right, I call our
family minivan a 'killing machine'.

Families or groups of people that walk slowly through the
parking lot, should know it feels like this.

The Beatles not looking up or even acknowledging you are waiting for them
to cross the street/parking lot. And it's not just the Beatles either.

People who can't even park their cars the right way.

People who don't put a leash on their dragons.

This guy. Everywhere I go, it's this guy. Ugh.

Of course, zombies. Parking lot zombies.

Kittens and puppies snuggling. I mean c'mon! It sickens me.

Alright, perhaps a few of the later pictures, don't frustrate or confuse me. I mean, I think zombies are pretty straight forward and everyone gets them. They just do what the undead do. And the Wiener Mobile is understandable.

But the other people and behaviors confound me. And each time you see them or a particular scenario, you have to make the choice: narcissist or clueless.

jj

Thursday, February 27, 2014

7 of the Million Things I Have Learned Being a Stay-At-Home Dad: Part 2

Now, if you have already read one of my previous posts entitled, 7 of the Million Things I Have Learned Being a Stay-At-Home Dad: Part 1, then you had to see this one coming. I mean, it was Part 1, so just like at the end of The Dark Knight, when Batman takes the blame so Harvey Dent can die Gotham's hero. Then Batman goes on the run, decides to be the hero that Gotham deserves and truly becomes the Dark Knight, you knew there had to be a sequel...(gasp for nerd breath)...there just had to be a sequel here. (Raspy Batman voice) Because I need to become the hero that stay at home dads deserve.

My 5 y.o.'s version of me as Batman.

My 9 y.o's version of me as Batman

My version of me as Batman.

My 6 y.o.'s version of me as Batman.
Can you tell he's our only boy &
a middle child?

Now, as for the things I have learned being a stay at home dad, we are skipping on #1 hits. No, I Will Always Love You here. That is to say, there are obvious, big, important things I have learned; I love my kids greatly, I want to see them succeed, there are not enough hours in the day, Doc McStuffins friends are Lambie, Stuffy, Chilly, Hallie & Squeakers. You know, the BIG things.

This is a collection of the parenting B-sides that I have collected over the years. Sidenote: You know I would flip a single over to the instrumental side and kill it every time. Madonna's Vogue...Don't just stand there, let's get to it. Strike a pose there's nothing to it.

Picture this Casanova
karaoking solo to Madonna.
Now, slow down ladies. I'm married.

But I digress. So, without further...oh screw it.

Beauty's where you find it,
Not just where you bump and grind it.
Soul is in the music,
That's where I feel so beautiful,
Magical,
Life's a ball.
So get up on the dance floor!

C'mon vogue....

Now to the real-B sides that I have learned...

1) Kids will like what ever silly song you sing.

I am a child of the early 90's. Love that era's hip-hop and rap. Thus, I refer to my kids as Regulators and when it's time to leave Target, I exclaim, "REGULATORSSSSSSS!" And my kids reply with, "Mount up!"

Working on addition with my Preschooler.

At the zoo, it works with lots of animals. But I like big bass
and I cannot lie, when fishing is one of my faves.

This hangs at my local grocery store. No lie.
(OK, possibly a lie)

2 ) Kids can learn more from a trip to a grocery store than to a museum.

At a young age, at least until age 10, this is especially true. There are so many practical and everyday things to point out and discuss at the grocery store. You can teach about: healthy foods vs. non healthy foods, how we get our milk, estimating prices, budgeting, comparing price per ounce, coupons, organization, how everyday products are made and where they come from.

Now, I'm not saying don't take your kids to museums. I'm just saying that there is a lot of value in talking with your kids as you grocery shop. Plus, there is a very slim chance of getting attacked by a velociraptor, I've seen Jurassic Park. Or an Egyptian pharaoh trying to kill you, I have also seen Night at the Museum. No, thank you.

3) There is bad parenting everywhere. (Including in my house.)

Now there are the parents who yell, lose their temper, get drunk and hit their kids (Louis C.K. has a great, funny & short bit on hitting kids. Warning: explicit language) but that's not what I'm talking about. That's a given.

One for instance that gets to me is...if you know your child is prone to be sneaky or mischievous or a liar or disrespectful or rude or mean or physical or a bully around other children. You have 3 options:

1) Teach them better.
2) Watch them carefully to make sure they are not doing any of those things to other children. Hold them accountable.
3) Or both.

Fact is, if you display bad parenting traits you probably don't realize it.

I am very aware when it comes to parenting. I watch parents to pick up on verbiage, posture, tone, presence and involvement. I've learned everything I want to be from other parents and everything I don't want to be from other parents. And I still get it wrong between 25-75% of the time.

I will say this about bad parents(I include myself in this group on occasion) you make me appreciate great parenting all the more. Thank you GREAT parents out there!

4) Kids are unabashed in many ways. Most of them wonderful.

They say what is on their mind. And they don't worry about how it sounds.

Mmmmmmm, smells like foot.

Here is an example from when our oldest daughter was 5:

It was a cool summer afternoon. The constellation Orion had just peeked, the geraniums were in bloom...fastforwarding...

Elsa had a paper cut from a few days previous and she just got to slowly taking off the 2 day old band-aide that was wrapped around her index finger. She looked inquisitively at the wrinkled, whitened finger tip. My lip was curled in slight disgust, like someone had just broke wind. Elsa then slowly and closely examines the unwrapped mummified finger for about 20 seconds. Then she takes a whiff of it, gets the same 'broke wind' face I have and casually says, "Ewww. Smells like a foot. Wanna smell?" "Um, good sell job, but...no." I reply. And then she went back to smelling it.

Weird. Just wonderfully weird and unabashed.

5) I will always be Dad.

Seems obvious, but what I mean is, that title never gets taken way. Once you have children, the title of "Dad" or "Mom" never leaves you.

But what I realized is, I need to decide what adjectives will lead up to the word Dad.

Is it going to be:
cool, fun, loving, protective, demanding, fair, trusting, selfless, playful, thoughtful, helpful, patient, responsible, organized, creative, interesting, challenging Dad.

Or is it going to be:
distant, non-engaged, uncaring, rude, crude, disrespectful, selfish, berating, always drunk, mentally abusive, overbearing, divisive, asshole Dad.

Or somewhere in between. But Dad will always be there. I just need to decide what words I want leading up to "Dad".

So to review:

You don't want to be this dad.

You want to be more like this dad.

But realistically, the dad sweet spot is somewhere between...

and

6) You have to stop, take a breath and reflect regularly.

I think my generations greatest artist said it best:

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

Parenting gets crazy sometimes. Crazy busy and crazy fast. Everyday I try to stop, breath and look at the big picture of my family. It puts life in perspective. Then I go boggart lunch reservations under the name of Abe Froman, The Sausage King of Chicago.

7) I realized I will never, ever stop worrying.

Now let me clarify, I do NOT worry every moment of every day. For it was another one of our generation's other great artists who said:

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere." -Van Wilder

What I do mean is, at every age, there are new things to worry about. Whether it's the birth, SIDs, walking, talking, choking, strangers, falling off their bike, doing well on a math test, circle of friends, driving, college, job interviews, traveling, marriage, their own kids.

And those are just the surface things. I want to always be there for my kids. I want to be the one they always look up to. I worry that one day I might not be their world, I know it's inevitable. But I worry, that one day my kids might not want me in their world. You never know what tomorrow brings.

I don't lose sleep over my worries, but whether its at the forefront of my thoughts or backburnered. It's always there.

Well, we did it! Hi five everyone! Great hustle from everybody, except for one person. I think you know who you are. You better read this one again and take some laps. And don't let us down again.

To be continued...we'll see. If it makes $1 billion dollars like The Dark Knight, then I suppose there will be a Part 3.

jj

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

My Evil Parenting Skill Set (and Possibly Yours)

I think Liam Neeson said it best.

"People like you" meaning parents, not terrorists. But if you're a terrorist with kids, I'll include you.

Now, my skills do not include hunting down terrorists and killing them. But they do include talking on cell phones and being really badass, so in lots of ways we are the same, Liam Neeson and myself.

My skills are more of the punching a butterfly variety.

I don't care. I'll punch a butterfly.* I will.** I. Just. Don't. Care.***

*Punching a butterfly is NOT a good skill to have. It's cruel but, also if I'm honest, kinda impressive. But ultimately cruel. Please do not punch a butterfly.

**I've also, actually, never, technically punched a butterfly per say.

***I do care.

Back to the skills. The skill set is kinda specific so try to keep up. The skills I have are to make my friends with kids lives, a living nightmare. But, and there is a big BUT here, it's for my enjoyment. So all good, right?

My skills are to secretly undo all that you are doing to help your child. And to frustrate you and to make myself laugh.

Why? You say.
Because it's funny. I say.
But it's just mean. You say.
I know. That's part of the funny. I say.
But...it's just...wrong...and sick...and twisted. You say.
Hey. Let's take it easy on me in this imaginary conversation we're having. I say.
Good point. Sorry. You say.
Apology accepted. I say.
Plus, you're so darn attractive, how can I be mad at you? You say.
Blush. I say.

We go on for while. It's a good conversation. Ultimately, I become your role model and hero...in this imaginary conversation we had.

But these skills aren't only for me, you can use them as well.

Like what? You say.
Again with this phony conversation? I say.
You're right...and I enjoy your musky, oaky, manly odor. You say.
I know. Now, I'm just gonna share my skills now. I say.

All of these events, benchmarks, goals, issues can be difficult and stressful for both child and parent alike. But that's where I come in and make it all the more difficult and stressful. So I pull your child aside and have a heart to heart.

Now those ghosts will never find you.

Picking Up Your Toys: "All I'm gonna say is, messy room equals harder to find things. Right? Well, when the ghosts that haunt your house come looking for you, you'll be a lot harder to find. And that's a good thing."

Not this Booger, the other one.

Picking Your Nose and Eating the Boogers: "It's simple. It's recycling in it's most natural state. Plus, it's gross. You know who likes gross things? Monsters. If the monsters in your closet think you are gross like them, they probably aren't gonna skin you alive. Probably."

That's NOT kryptonite! No. Wait. Yes it is.

Potty Training: "Don't poop kid. I'll let you in on a lil' superhero secret, that's where Superman gets his super powers from. You ever seen Superman poop? Of course not. He keeps it all in and that's what gives him his powers. You wanna be like Superman don't cha?"

You should all be thanking me right meow.
Google Image searching 'spiders' is
crazy freaky. You're welcome. Meow.

Wetting the Bed: "You like spiders? Thought not. Listen, I'll break it down for you, wild animals mark their territory by peeing. That's how the other animals know to stay away. And this is how you mark your territory. Mark it every night if you want to keep those spiders away. Otherwise they will get you. They'll bite you, tangle you up and drink your liquified innards. Is that what you want? No? Well, piss that bed kid!"

And...then I show them Fire in the Sky.

Brushing Teeth: "I personally have never brushed my teeth. And I'll tell you what else has never happened, I've never been abducted by aliens and taken away from my family. You do the math."

"Thanks Bro!"

Fighting With Their Siblings: "I saw what your parents did right there. Timeout for fighting? Listen, fighting is imperative. Fighting with you brother or sister provides you strength, cunning and agility. All of which you will need when the zombies rise up and attack. When your sister is having her brains eaten by a pack of zombies, and believe me, she will, everyone you love will, you'll be able to survive. That's what fighting teaches you. And if you fight enough with your sister, she might not get her brains eaten, so you're helping her too. Keep fighting. You're saving lives!"

Good night.

Crying at Night: "This is no shit kid, evil clowns live under your bed. They're under all beds and attack at night. Laughter attracts them. But crying keeps them away. Cry as loud as you can. It's the only thing that stops the evil clowns. Please, please. You gotta stop those clowns. Cry those little lungs out, all night."

This is the code for love. Touch it. It feels like love.

For No Reason: "Your parents are just part of a computer program and they are programmed to say they love you. Here's a copy of The Matrix. Enjoy. Oh, and I love you."

Now, I would advise you NOT to use these skills with family and close friends. You will either be forced to deal with the ramifications for the rest of your life or be kicked out of the circle of trust. SO many bridges have been burned with my skill set. But on the other hand...so many laughs too.

I would also say this, I am available to be a godfather. Just contact me if you're interested!

Monday, February 10, 2014

7 of the Million Things I Have Learned Being a Stay-At-Home Dad: Part 1

Being a stay-at-home dad is a lot like being a fish out of water. Gasping for air, blurry eyed, confused and flopping around trying to figure out what happened. Plus, have you ever seen a fish putting piggy tails in a 5 year old's hair without out them being lopsided or uneven?

Exactly.

Now, I will freely admit that being a stay at home dad is not for most men. In fact, it's not natural. That's right. Not natural. You know, the whole hunter/gatherer and protector thing. And women being typically more caring, motherly and nurturing.

All that aside, it is very humbling. Parenting in general is very humbling. But add the fact that I spend a vast majority of time with my kids, it has become even more apparent how humbling it is.

I have learned and continue to learn a great deal while raising my kids. Now, you don't need to be a stay at home parent to learn the things that I have learned. But for me, I needed the extra time with my kids to appreciate it fully and let it marinate.

Now there are obvious things such as: I love my kids more than life it's self, it's a very demanding job, I'll never do anything as important in my life, blah, blah, blah. So there is all that stuff, but this is more of an, "In addition to" list. Things that are more of the B-side on my stay-at-home album. (Fun fact: Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" is a B-side track. Seems apropos.)

Here are 7 things I have learned while parenting the crap out of my kids(sometimes literally):

1) Spot Shot is magical.

mmmmm...smells like magic.
(But also, make sure to use magic in a well ventilated room.)

I have not run into a stain that it could not conquer. Carpet stains from juice to marker to cat puke.

Not 100% sure if it get's human blood out of a kangaroo's fur. I'll update later.

2) When my kids fall down, it is ALWAYS, " You're OK!" and NEVER, "Are you OK?".

I don't want my kids to think that their small fall may have hurt them. I want them to be tough. On top of that, I want them to see that I'm calm and that they are just fine. If you ask them "Are you ok?", you give them the option of not being ok. But if you say "You're OK.", chances are they will believe it. Funny thing is, now my kids usually hop up and yell, "I'm OK!" before I even say anything.

3) It is NOT intellectually stimulating, for the most part.

That's kinda a no-brainer. (Please, do NOT pardon that pun. It was as awesome as you thought it was the first time. Re-read it.)

Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with over 10,000 women. Well, I claim to have sung the ABC's and You Are My Sunshine over 10,000 times. Soooooooo, I think we know who won that one.

Tea parties, Candyland, Dora the Explorer, pillow fights, Play-Doh, steamroller and hide & seek are a blast! But rarely does Teddy ever pipe up at the tea party with a good riddle.

Teddy: What is at the end of a rainbow?

Me: Whoa! You talk?

Teddy: Yea. Now, what is at the end of a rainbow?

Me: Ummmm...gold?

Teddy: Nope, the letter 'w'.

Me: You son of a cotton ball. You say nothing all day long and now you come at me with your own brand of gotcha brain teasers. Damn you, Teddy.

4) Discipline is really tough. Tough for my kids but probably tougher on me.

My kids are little adults with training wheels on. One day my kids take those training wheels off and be adults. There are real consequences in the real world. If I don't discipline my kids, I am not helping them. I am hurting them and enabling them. Now, I don't go over board with punishments but I don't go easy.

My 6 year old son recently punched his 9 year old sister. He apologized on his own but I was the policeman who had to dole out justice. And justice was no Wii that night. He cried for 45 minutes about it. Just so we're clear on the math:

1 minute crying = 1 perceived eternity

That is to say:

45 minutes of crying =

It was looooong, exhausting, stressful and painful. And I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. I had a headache and a heartache after the whole ordeal and went to bed right after he did.

But if it's one thing I've learned, it is: you gotta stick to your guns. You gotta not bend. If the punishment is just, you have to make your child accountable. At the moment, it Sucks (with a capital S). Get through it. Talk about it the next day or when the storm is over. Talk about the choices. Learn from it. The steps may be small, they almost always are. It might feel like you're not getting through. My son may hit his sister again. I will hold him accountable again. It may Suck again. But little by little it will get better. One day it will pay off.

5) I am a good person because of my kids.

There is SO much talk about "do it for yourself". "It" meaning, workout, eat healthy, help others, be a good person, work hard, etc... And I get all that. I do. But if I'm being honest, I want to be a better person because of my kids, my wife and to make the world better and not for myself. Maybe myself is further down the list than for most people.

I hold the door for strangers, so my kids see how we should treat people.

I pick up garbage in the park, so my kids see how to respect other people's property.

I use my manners, so my kids will see how to respect people using words.

I talk about our choices and NOT placing outward blame, so my kids will be accountable for their actions.

I don't talk behind people's backs because I don't want my kids thinking it's ok to do that.

I workout so I can hopefully live a long life with my kids. And maybe grandkids.

I workout so they think daddy is the strongest man in the world and so they believe I am strong enough to protect them from anyone or anything that may hurt them. So they will feel safe.

Now, I would probably do most of these things before my kids, but having kids has made me realize how important it is to make this world better.

I am a good person. I want my kids to be even better.

This is not to say I needed kids to be a good person. I was good before kids. But they have made me even gooder and more consistent with my gooderness.

6) Hugs are magic.

Not these. Uck.

More like these.

Read the next paragraph slowly while thinking of whom you love hugging most. Preferably to a slow, sappy and meaningful song on in the background. i.e. "Arms Wide Open" by Creed.

Hugs say I missed you. I will miss you. They say I'm happy. They say I'm sad. They say I'm scared. They say I need you. They say I want you. They say I'm hurt. They say you're hurt. They say I'm scared. They say you scared me. They say I need a pick-me-up. They say I need to know you care. They say I do care. They say I never want to let go. They say I love you. They say you are my mom. They say you are my dad. They say you are special to me. Sometimes they say mom/dad is making me do this to say sorry. Hopefully, one day they will say I truly am sorry.

Hugs can make a lot of wrong things right. And hugs can make a lot of things all better, if even for only a moment.

7) I don't know shit.

Ok. I do know shit. I actually deal with it on the daily. I know diaper shit. Skidmark shit. Clog the toilet shit. Baked potato sized shit from a 3 y.o. that I need a plastic knife to cut up so it doesn't clog the toilet...again. Soooooooo, I know shit.

What I really mean by I don't know shit, is everyday I wake up and I think I got it all under control. I think I got this whole parenting thing figured out...for the most part. I think I have the answers and then the sun comes up. That's when I realize, nope.

I wake up and one kid is screaming bloody murder while getting her earring put back in, one kid is making breakfast for the rest and then turning around and taking our youngest daughter's favorite stuffed animal. Our youngest, who was never afraid of going upstairs by herself is suddenly deathly afraid of going on this voyage by herself. Then back to our oldest, who is now seriously worried that she speaks too harshly to her brother and sister and what does that say about her as a person?

Wait what? I haven't even got all the crusty eye boogers out of my eye yet.

Parenting is always changing. My kids are always changing. Hopefully, this vague and blurry map I have will be enough to lead our family to where it needs to go.

Parenting road map, sometimes.

Parenting road map, other times.

Welp. That's 7 down and 999,993 to go. Kidding. There's no way there are only 1 million things I've learned. Just like at the end of Back to the Future, to quote Doc Brown, "Something's gotta be done about your kids!" Oh and...