My Evil Parenting Skill Set (and Possibly Yours)

I think Liam Neeson said it best.

"People like you" meaning parents, not terrorists. But if you're a terrorist with kids, I'll include you.

Now, my skills do not include hunting down terrorists and killing them. But they do include talking on cell phones and being really badass, so in lots of ways we are the same, Liam Neeson and myself.

My skills are more of the punching a butterfly variety.

I don't care. I'll punch a butterfly.* I will.** I. Just. Don't. Care.***

*Punching a butterfly is NOT a good skill to have. It's cruel but, also if I'm honest, kinda impressive. But ultimately cruel. Please do not punch a butterfly.

**I've also, actually, never, technically punched a butterfly per say. 

***I do care.

Back to the skills. The skill set is kinda specific so try to keep up. The skills I have are to make my friends with kids lives, a living nightmare. But, and there is a big BUT here, it's for my enjoyment. So all good, right?

My skills are to secretly undo all that you are doing to help your child. And to frustrate you and to make myself laugh.

Why? You say.
Because it's funny. I say.
But it's just mean. You say.
I know. That's part of the funny. I say.
But...it's just...wrong...and sick...and twisted. You say.
Hey. Let's take it easy on me in this imaginary conversation we're having. I say.
Good point. Sorry. You say.
Apology accepted. I say.
Plus, you're so darn attractive, how can I be mad at you? You say.
Blush. I say.

We go on for while. It's a good conversation. Ultimately, I become your role model and hero...in this imaginary conversation we had.

But these skills aren't only for me, you can use them as well.

Like what? You say.
Again with this phony conversation? I say.
You're right...and I enjoy your musky, oaky, manly odor. You say.
I know. Now, I'm just gonna share my skills now. I say.

All of these events, benchmarks, goals, issues can be difficult and stressful for both child and parent alike. But that's where I come in and make it all the more difficult and stressful. So I pull your child aside and have a heart to heart.

Now those ghosts will never find you.

Picking Up Your Toys: "All I'm gonna say is, messy room equals harder to find things. Right? Well, when the ghosts that haunt your house come looking for you, you'll be a lot harder to find. And that's a good thing."

Not this Booger, the other one.

Picking Your Nose and Eating the Boogers: "It's simple. It's recycling in it's most natural state. Plus, it's gross. You know who likes gross things? Monsters. If the monsters in your closet think you are gross like them, they probably aren't gonna skin you alive. Probably."

That's NOT kryptonite! No. Wait. Yes it is.

Potty Training: "Don't poop kid. I'll let you in on a lil' superhero secret, that's where Superman gets his super powers from. You ever seen Superman poop? Of course not. He keeps it all in and that's what gives him his powers. You wanna be like Superman don't cha?"

You should all be thanking me right meow.
Google Image searching 'spiders' is
crazy freaky. You're welcome. Meow.

Wetting the Bed: "You like spiders? Thought not. Listen, I'll break it down for you, wild animals mark their territory by peeing. That's how the other animals know to stay away. And this is how you mark your territory. Mark it every night if you want to keep those spiders away. Otherwise they will get you. They'll bite you, tangle you up and drink your liquified innards. Is that what you want? No? Well, piss that bed kid!"

And...then I show them Fire in the Sky.

Brushing Teeth: "I personally have never brushed my teeth. And I'll tell you what else has never happened, I've never been abducted by aliens and taken away from my family. You do the math."

"Thanks Bro!"

Fighting With Their Siblings: "I saw what your parents did right there. Timeout for fighting? Listen, fighting is imperative. Fighting with you brother or sister provides you strength, cunning and agility. All of which you will need when the zombies rise up and attack. When your sister is having her brains eaten by a pack of zombies, and believe me, she will, everyone you love will, you'll be able to survive. That's what fighting teaches you. And if you fight enough with your sister, she might not get her brains eaten, so you're helping her too. Keep fighting. You're saving lives!"

Good night.

Crying at Night: "This is no shit kid, evil clowns live under your bed. They're under all beds and attack at night. Laughter attracts them. But crying keeps them away. Cry as loud as you can. It's the only thing that stops the evil clowns. Please, please. You gotta stop those clowns. Cry those little lungs out, all night."

This is the code for love. Touch it. It feels like love.

For No Reason: "Your parents are just part of a computer program and they are programmed to say they love you. Here's a copy of The Matrix. Enjoy. Oh, and I love you."








Now, I would advise you NOT to use these skills with family and close friends. You will either be forced to deal with the ramifications for the rest of your life or be kicked out of the circle of trust.  SO many bridges have been burned with my skill set. But on the other hand...so many laughs too.

I would also say this, I am available to be a godfather. Just contact me if you're interested!

jj